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joe, millionaire

My Girlfriends are NOT Imaginary
by athena   March 10, 2003


David accuses me of having imaginary girlfriends. The fact of the matter is that he's just jealous. See, he's married, and, well, basically has been slowly stripped of his manhood by his wife. She has a giant-sized Kirk Cameron poster on their refrigerator...to this day. 'Nuf said.

Just because I never leave my apartment and blush horribly at the thought of talking to that cute redhead I see in Starbucks (or any cute girl for that matter), doesn't mean I don't get plenty of you-know-what. Imaginary. Please. Is Catherine Zeta-Jones imaginary? Shania Twain? And what about Jennifer Garner of Alias? Um, I think these women exist! Hel-lo!! And, yes, they are, subsequently, all my girlfriends. Lovers each and every one in their own special, non-imaginary way.

You'd think there'd be a lot of in-fighting for my attention. There is at times, but they all have busy lives so it's relatively easy to schedule them around each other. They know they're not the only one, but they don't mind because they love me so terribly much and just want to be near me. They just want whatever piece of Athena they can get, be it my mind, my body, or my very soul. When they get jealous, I just say, "Baby, you know I'm good for it" or "Baby, it's me, I'm right here, look at me" to smooth things over. Although there was that one time when I was out with Shania and we ran into Jennifer...I don't think I need to tell you how fun that pillow fight turned out to be! And talk about Catherine. She always has a stock of my favorite tea. God, what a sweetheart. Strong yet vulnerable. I'm afraid of hurting her the most.

I can only imagine what's it's like to be a friend of mine and have to watch me juggle so many beautiful, exquisite women. I can only imagine because I've only been me, not someone on the outside looking at me, which must really suck for that person who is, in fact, looking at me. So I do not judge David in anger for his envy of me and mine. I understand that he's in pain. What I feel for him is a simple pity. I must go now. That chick from Law & Order SVU is at the door, calling for me, aching for me that is... Athena.


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