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CSP's Official Oscar Odds

by david
Mar 20, 2001


Screw the Vegas odds-makers! Screw Jason's stupid Oscar picks! Screw David's stupid cats' dumbass predictions! If you really want to know how best to make good on your illegal Oscar wagers, let good ol' Clark Schpiell lay it all out for ya*:

ACTOR--LEADING:
The Academy has a soft heart, and only one actor has been through the terrible tragedy of reportedly allegedly being the supposed target of an almost kidnapping this spring: Russell Crowe. Sympathy for his plight helps him edge out Hanks.
CROWE -- 2:1
HANKS -- 3:1
RUSH -- 7:2
HARRIS -- 10:1
BARDEM -- 100,000:1

ACTRESS--LEADING:
Though many are predicting a long-overdue Julia Roberts win, Oscar likes a ballsy actress, and what's more ballsy than being nominated for a role in a movie literally no one has ever seen? The Oscar goes to Laura Linney, who may or may not have ever been in a movie called "You Can Count on Me." The world may never know.
LINNEY -- 2:1
ROBERTS -- 5:2
BINOCHE -- 10:1
ALLEN -- 10:1
BURSTYN -- 20:1

ACTOR--SUPPORTING:
This category will be close. Oscar likes to give supporting nods to older actors with supposedly distinguished careers who might die at any moment, but the Academy also likes cool names. This creates a dead heat in the Supporting Actor category, with only Jeff Bridges (who is still fairly young and has a far less cool name than both Beau and Lloyd) as a clear loser.
PHEONIX -- 4:1
FINNEY -- 4:1
DELTORO -- 4:1
DAFOE -- 4:1
BRIDGES -- 50:1

ACTRESS--SUPPORTING:
Only one rule applies, as far as Oscar is concerned, when looking at Best Supporting Actress: don't give it to the hottie. I know, a lot of folks are picking Kate Hudson as the front-runner, but look what happened when Marissa Tomei won for "Cousin Vinny." There are still rumors floating around about Jack Pallance's screw up. Besides, being truly hot, Hudson will undoubtedly have more Oscar shots and a long, lucrative career. Ugly, older chicks need to be thrown a bone now and again, and Oscar understands this.
DENCH -- 2:1
WALTERS -- 3:1
MCDORMAND -- 7:2
HARDEN -- 20:3
HUDSON -- 50:1

BEST DIRECTOR:
What the hell does the director do, anyway? The cinematographer actually shoots the thing, the writer writes the script, the editor puts the whole package together, and, let's be honest, all we really care about is how hot the actors are (and the casting director takes care of that). None of these guys did anything, so far as I can tell. I think the "Traffic" guy directed Erin Brockovich, too, so at least we know he had a full year. Let's give it to him. As if anyone cares.
TRAFFIC -- 2:1
CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON -- 3:1
GLADIATOR -- 4:1
ERIN BROCKOVICH --5:1
BILLY ELLIOT -- 6:1

BEST PICTURE
What was the best picture of the year? I say "Crouching Tiger," "Almost Famous," "Traffic," or "Requiem for a Dream." The academy will say "Chocolat," 'cause they are a bunch of girly-movie-lovin' sissy pansy-boys (and girls). Or, maybe "Traffic." I don't have a damn clue.
CHOCOLAT -- 2:1
TRAFFIC -- 17:3.12
CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON -- e=mc2
GLADIATOR -- side12+side22=hyp2
ERIN BROCKOVICH -- blue

*For entertainment purposes only -- don't use this guide to place actual bets. I don't even know how odds work.

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